Time.
It doesn’t pause or rest. It’s an architect, just building and pulling together the narrative of our lives –different events, memories, happiness, sadness, fear, laughter, tears.
Ah, let’s talk about tears.
I had a melancholic year.
I struggled more times than I’d like to admit. It was always one thing or the other. I questioned my gifts, my identity, my place in the lives of people, and even my salvation.
How does one question their salvation?
I just felt like I wasn’t doing something right. Something was missing, and I didn’t feel God like I used to. I stumbled a lot, and I knew I was supposed to be experiencing God in different dimensions by now. I looked back into the prophecies made over my life, and I saw how many of them hadn’t come into manifestation yet. I felt like since some things were missing, then maybe I hadn’t been saved all along.
Do you think it’s possible that our experiences with people shape our relationship with God?
I once had a friend who would make me work to be her friend. If I wasn’t working to ensure that we remained friends, I was losing to someone else. But I wanted to be her friend. I didn’t know what it was – her aura? the fact that she was well liked by other people and by being her friend you were well liked by extension?
I don’t know.
I worked and worked to ensure I was in her good graces until I saw that it wouldn’t ever be enough. Till this day, I struggle with thoughts of not being enough for my friends. It’s quite painful to admit.
One thing I realised in the latter part of the month: it’s never about the feelings. And as a person who has had to deal with unstable emotions for a very long time, I should have known that; that feelings are the most fickle things. It’s not about the works, either. If I work endlessly and tirelessly on my own to remain in God’s good graces and earn His appraisal, then what space do I leave for grace? How do I learn reliance? How do I enter His rest that commands that I first have to stop working to bring my own life under control? When do I stop to bask in His love which I never really deserved in the first place?
Because that’s the beauty of my walk with God. Learning to take each day as it comes. Sitting in the big palms of the One who has carried and continues to carry me, remembering just as my friend wrote to me on my birthday, that my story is in His hands. He has written my story, and no part will catch Him by surprise (I love how this same friend of mine says it: He won’t be in Heaven scratching His head and holding an emergency meeting when you make a mistake). The beauty is also knowing I don’t deserve His love, but basking in it anyway.
I started these monthly recaps on instruction although I may have missed two or three months. Just as I wrote in my journal, this was going to be a good way to keep a record of my growth. When I look back, I see a lot that needs to change for the coming year. It scares me, but it also excites me. That I can sit on my own and very honestly list out the things I know I need to do better at. That is growth in itself.
I’ve always thought of people as the main character in their own stories, but what does it mean when the main character is never there? What happens if Elijah is running around trying to be there for Timi; making him the most perfect eggs and reading out the newspaper to him that he forgets his own call to start a church? (That was a reference to Breath of Life, a truly beautiful movie recommended to me by Praise form church).
This year, I wasn’t an active participant in my life, and it was when I did a little reflection on the year that I realised how inactive I was. It explained the emptiness I felt at some point in the year. So many times I paused to think what am I doing with my life?
It wasn’t necessarily coming from a place of pressure or an eagerness to consciously create the life that I want. I was spending time chasing after people and doing everything I could to ensure that friendships didn’t die out. My thoughts were consumed with what I wasn’t doing right and how to turn them around. Not for myself, but for other people. I was in a hurry to understand people. To fix issues, apologize where I was wrong, and initiate very difficult conversations just to move forward, but I wasn’t really getting the same back. It wasn’t an issue then, but I eventually saw an imbalance and it deeply affected me.
Oh, I self-blamed. I dragged myself through the mud and doubted everything I could possibly bring to the table. When I looked in the mirror, I wasn’t pleased with what I saw. I wasn’t sure who I was. I forgot to breathe. I forgot to be there for myself. To know myself, not in the vague this-is-my-favourite-colour kind of way, but the specific what-makes-me-genuinely-happy, what-stresses-me-out, what-clothes-make-me-feel-my-best, what-compliments-make-me-the-happiest kind of way.
I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with myself to the point that I will pause to ask myself what brand of confidence I’m smoking. I want to fall in love with myself until it feels almost toxic. I will live with myself for the rest of my life, and if I must, then I have to fall in love with me. I want to meet Ife and fall in love with her.
Reflections require honesty, so I had to admit to myself that I am unreliable.
Unreliable in that people can’t really trust me to get things done or show up for them if they need me to. It manifested in different ways like responding to text messages after 2–5 working days, cancelling on people after making plans, and also taking forever to do what I’ve been asked to do. I realised its potential to hurt other people, and I decided to do better. What broke me was a thought wondering how God would use me if I couldn’t be trusted to get stuff done.
“He who is faithful in a very little thing is also faithful in much; and he who is dishonest in a very little thing is also dishonest in much.”- Luke 16:10 AMP
I spent the latter part of the year seeing things through. Actually showing up for people, showing up to things I made commitments to and not leaving any texts unread before going to bed. Immediately doing what I’m asked to do is still a bit of a struggle, but baby steps. Baby steps.
Paso a paso. Dia a dia.
I made an observation, and it centres around moodiness. Now, I know we all love to avoid it, but I’m about to make you even more uncomfortable by presenting you with an unpopular opinion.
It’s necessary that I put this disclaimer out here: I’m in no way encouraging constant moodiness. It’s not pretty. I’m simply trying to take off my shoes real quick and help you jump in it for a second.
I know that it can be very uncomfortable to be around a person who is moody (this was something I had to become conscious of this year), but if you happen to have a friend who gets moody, maybe you shouldn’t be actively trying to avoid them? Maybe you also shouldn’t be throwing it in their face that they are being moody (because chances are they already know)? Maybe you can try talking to them about it? Whether that means you are asking them what is going on or whether it means you are actually letting them know personally how their moodiness is affecting you as their friend. Not thinking about it, but actually letting them know. One of the mistakes I myself made was never letting my friend know how it made me feel when she was moody. Instead, I thought about it and internalised it until I became it.
When you think about it, they have no idea you feel like that, but when you let them know, you give them space to do better. How you let them know also matters. I first got to know about mine only this year, and it wasn’t in an ideal circumstance.
I find myself in the category of moody people (before you throw stones, it is something a consistent prayer and Bible study life is helping with), and I’ve noticed that the people who actively avoid me or call me moody to my face are the ones who have never actually talked to me about it (please note I’m referring to people you regard as friends here. No sense in tasking an acquaintance with something as sensitive as this).
Another thing that also helps is sitting with them. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until Leo would sit with me in silence. After some time, I would begin to speak. Most times, speaking would help me understand my feelings because, contrary to what people may think, you never really understand why you feel the way you do in the first place. I love how people think being moody is something people sit down and decide to be.
I think the problem is that a lot of us don’t have the patience for that, but hey, sit with them if you can. Trust me, they will begin to open up to you (and you earn their trust). I will always refer to Job’s friends.
“So they sat down on the ground with Job for seven days and seven nights and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.”-Job 2:13 AMP
I know in today’s world, we are all cautious about our space. We just love to stay far away from “bad energy” and we do this interesting thing where we return people’s energy back to them, but when it is a friend?
Come on.
This year, I travelled to Germany unsure. But oh boy, if you know me, you’d know that I like to be sure. I like routine. I like to know how things would end. I like detailed information, I like clarity. I just want to know. I fear tiny holes and large objects, but I also fear the unknown.
I saw an opportunity being granted to young students in Europe which would take place in Germany. It was an artistic one, and it caught my eye immediately. I just knew it was something I would love to take part in, but I was crippled with fear. Fear that my abilities weren’t enough to produce what I would like to create if I did go. And so, I zeroed my mind on it only applying for it few minutes to the deadline of application. I travelled to Germany worried and scared, but I ended up having the time of life. I learnt new things, met with awesome people, and made some pretty cool connections. When the day came to leave Osnabrück, I felt like I didn’t want to leave just yet.
In 2024, I want to do things. I want to do them afraid if I have to, but I want to do them anyway.
I found myself desiring friendship a lot this year. This is not to say that I do not have friends; I do. But I’m talking about the one between me and one of God’s best daughters, actively looking out for each other, genuinely hearing and seeing each other, extending grace to each other because neither of us is perfect, being open, supporting and learning to be good friends to each other. I want to laugh and talk about girl things. I want to watch movies and cry or sleep off. I want us to pray for and speak life into each other. I know there are friends for a reason and a season, but I want this one for a lifetime.
All these I write without knowing how they will happen, but one thing I’ve seen is that there’s something magical about writing things down.
It didn’t really feel like it, but I’m certain I grew. I learnt new ways of thinking and experienced paradigm shifts. I developed new interests. I learnt that people change; nobody is one-dimensional. I learnt that emotional safety is a thing, and you may not have that with everyone. I learnt that if we had all the details, we wouldn’t need faith.
Thank you for being here and following me throughout the year. Thank you for listening to what this girl has to say. It means a lot to me more than you know. I hope your year was blissful. I pray 2024 is much more beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thank you. See you in 2024 ❤️
You can find me on instagram at ifeoluwanimi.a
