My chest would tighten, and then, I would feel slightly dizzy and lightheaded. Other times, it was an overwhelming urge to cry. My face would feel like a sponge absorbing water. It would feel heavy with the possibility of me bursting into tears just to find relief.
I only gave in once.
“I’m panicking, and I’m getting really overwhelmed,” I announced to my family in vulnerability. I was seated in between my parents. I didn’t feel so good.
Wasn’t it silly that I was getting worked up right now? I don’t graduate until five months, so why did it feel like I was about to get into that gown and cap the very next day? Now, I know I tend to lean more on the worrier side, but this one was new. I’d never worried in advance like this before.
I struggle with spontaneity and uncertainty. I like plans. I love details. I love knowing what will happen, and when it will happen (I’ll admit here that this is the reason Jesus’ coming has my stomach in knots sometimes, but it’s maranatha regardless).
I often joke that my boyfriend can’t successfully pull off a ‘get dressed, we’re going out’ type of thing without an earful of questions from my end. I simply like to know.
You either can or can’t imagine how that’s working for me on my journey of faith because the entire premise of being a believer is, in fact, faith. One thing about the Man upstairs, He’s not dropping the full picture. He’s dropping one frame after the other until one day you realize He was trying to hand you a framed picture.
November 21, 2022, I was denied a UK visa for the second time. November 21, 2023, I was finally granted one. It seemed very ironical. I waited a whole year, but I didn’t know I’d have to wait a whole year. I imagine scenes where God told me I’d have to wait a year. I didn’t know, so I actually had to learn faith. I learned to take each day as it comes, reminding myself that God is on my side. I had to learn how to counter the things my mind tells me with what God has said. I learned that God really doesn’t need a man to be God.
I also got a popular myth that I’d always believed debunked: if you tell people your plans, no, you’ve not jinxed it.
This is a reminder to you, and to myself that it’s okay to not have all the details. It’s okay to not know because not knowing leaves space for growth and learning new things. It’s okay to sit in the hands of the One who can’t mismanage your life as He carries you.
I choose to remind myself daily that He is on my side. I choose to remind myself daily that as long as I am His, I will be okay in the end. I will be okay. And you will be okay, too.
I love the Bible and its completeness, because how could it be that Matthew 6:34 exists?
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.- Matthew 6:34
What precision, because being an adult is realizing that every day is just a day to put out new fires, and once it’s done, it’s on to the next.
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