In September, I wrote about feeling like I was losing myself, but also somehow, finding myself. This month, I’m here again to continue with how jarring this process is.
Everyone talks about how beautiful it is to be saved; to give your life to Christ and have the Holy Spirit living inside of you, but no one really talks about how God begins to take you through a process. A process that will transform you into a person you never thought you could be.
Sounds good, doesn’t it?
But what if this process involved letting you know that all you’ve ever thought to be right is actually wrong; that what you believed to be right is what should be left behind? What if you realize that through the lens of His word, you’re not that great of a person, but that there’s so much rot and dirt inside you?
What if the process went beyond making you “holy” overnight?
What if someone told you that there would be so much pruning that will take place?
The word “prune” when translated from its original Greek word means “cleanse”. That God now begins to work on your imperfections, getting you cleansed and presentable.
Now, what if this process is slow and painfully so? That in order for you to be refined, you would have to go through fire and a whole lot of testing.
Would you still want to be saved?
Impatience has to go, so it only makes sense that your patience would have to be tested more. Ego has to go, too, so it will be more wounded than ever . Your views and perceptions will be challenged, and you just might find it hard to let them go. I think that’s the part a lot of people struggle with. That’s the part people decide the faith is not just for them. It’s a wonderful case of what you ordered versus what you actually got.
No, you will not become a “good person” overnight. No, you will not be absolved of discomfort or pain. However, just like Paul, “you press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling you”, and the good news is, you will not be alone. God will be right there with you, strengthening you. Plus, don’t forget the cloud of witnesses — all the great men and women who decided they, too, would follow Jesus — cheering you on!
I’ve always thought one of the beautiful things about the faith is God saying, “hey, this is the thing you have to work on, but don’t worry, because I’m helping you, too.”
Just like Praise from church told me during the month, “It’s a process, and it’s very uncomfortable, but it’s very necessary”.
October was one interesting month. It arrived with an eagerness to leave quickly; employing the tactics of standing by the couch as opposed to sitting down which our parents would use to indicate that they only came to visit for a few minutes. October came and said i’ll keep my ting brief.
October saw me searching for jobs, doubting my place in people’s lives and questioning my gifts, but October also saw me reading more, actively trying hard to change my thinking and bad thought patterns, and also consistently making it for the Hallelujah Challenge for all twenty days.
What is man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him?- Psalm 8:4
I often feel insignificant, but this month God really showed Himself to me as El-Roi — the God who sees. I think it’s wonderful the length He would go to assure us of His mindfulness; that He isn’t passively watching. I know what it feels like to wish to be seen, and so, believe me when I tell you that He sees.
Oh, He does.
“The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth! We invent a whole story that’s only truth for us, but we believe it. One assumption leads to another assumption; we jump to conclusions, and we take our story very personally…We make assumptions, we believe we are right about our assumptions, and then we defend our assumptions”- Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements.
I think it’s the brain. A lot goes on in there, and so, it tries to compartmentalize things. It sorts things out while trying to focus on other things. It wants to make sense of things. It wants to fill in the gaps.
As·sume (verb): to accept something to be true without question or proof.
I also think we assume because we need some kind of control. We don’t know what someone thinks, so we create a false reality because it makes us feel safe. We want to stay in control of that narrative, and that’s probably why even after hearing the actual reality of events, you’re not moved.
And it’s funny, when you assume something, you’ll start seeing it. When you put on dark shades, everything you see from that moment is dark. Not until you take it off, anyway.
But when you assume you know what a person thinks, or crazier, what a person would think, you actually stop listening and communicating. Your mind is made up, what they really think or what the case really was doesn’t matter anymore. You leave people feeling trapped and misunderstood.
We all assume. I assume I will take the bus to class on a daily basis, but, this is only an abstraction. Assumption in this context will be taking our side of a story personally without actually knowing the reality of what has happened. We all do this, too (and let’s not lie, let’s not steal, sometimes it’s sweet to assume), but before your assumption potentially hurts you or another person — before you accept your assumption at face value, why don’t you try asking about it first?
I often think about this space I have here and how much more I could be doing with it; how much more open and vulnerable I could be. It is my space, anyway. My own little corner in which I just invite people into.
I want to write about the thoughts that ravage my mind occasionally. I want to write more to the grossly misunderstood. I want to write more about my desire for friendship. I want to write more about the life I envision for myself and the people I want to be surrounded by.
I want to write about my deep desire to be chosen. I want to write more about finding what truly makes me happy. I want to write about my growing love for romance. Not in a book or a movie. Real-life romance. About the beauty of being able to laugh as easily as I cry.
And, maybe I will.
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